Tuesday, February 28, 2006

for no other reason than to enjoy....

is why I posted this. Creative Concept <<----photos from Burning Man - An event I hope to one day experience.

Friday, February 24, 2006

moving ahead in life is key.

I love to read her blog, I go on there daily to see what she has posted, to see if she is as excited about life as I hope she will be. I love that she is happy. I love to know she is taking time to enjoy the little things that happen in life. I love that she is with someone who seems to make her happier than I was able too.

There are days where I think the healthy thing would be to totally walk away, remove her from my life, but I cant, I know I cant, I know I never will.

She brings me too much joy. My life is better because I have loved her and known her. My life is better because she is in it.

You change when you are with a person, and then to no longer be with them, you have to evolve the relationship. It's hard, you remember everything that once was, you want it back in a small way, how can you not, you were happy, or were you? As a person you can look back and examine where you were as a person, and you can still feel what was a good time and what was not a good time. Near the end, it was not good, it was not healthy, but it was still love, or else, why try? I will never forget the first trip to the zoo, or the picnic at golden gardens beach. Memories forever etched into my mind. To be on Leadbetter beach in the sand, the sun to our backs and she threw her ring in the ocean, saying I was the one. I was for awhile. I believed it all, I wanted to believe it was forever. I ran in the surf, like a child free from any care in the world. It was love, love unlike any I had experienced before. Freedom I was experiencing for the first time. Now I know forever doesnt exsist, not always, so you have to enjoy the "forever" however long it lasts. This summer I will go back to Leadbetter for the first time since we have split, to make peace with myself, to run in the sand, to feel freedom, but this time for me, and only me. She is still there, in my mind, but now she is with someone else. I am happy for her, so I need to release and move forward, and recapture the places that I hold dear to me, for me, and know I can have the memories as well. They dont have to go away, however life changes, much like the ocean, it changes as did the beach we were on that day. It it not the same sand, or the same water. I can go back and I can find something else there that means so much, because I have left my heart there. I left "us" there, so I could not return. Now, I can, I need too.....for me.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Some very scary people!

I think the world would be better off without the idiots listed on this page-->>> F*CKHEADS!

Their ignorance and small-mindedness is in fact what is causing the erosion of our moral fiber in this country.

When we die, if there is a heaven and hell, all the people listed will be taking the down elevator!

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Check this out! WOW, is all I can say.

Here is one of the most inspiring web pages I have seen yet! Check it out: wow!

Enjoy! I am off to enjoy my day is in the incredible sun we are having today....

Friday, February 17, 2006

10 years is a long time

....to carry the hurt i have carried for this long. I want it too be gone, I want someone to wheel me into the operating room, and say, "ok Michael, when you wake up, it will be removed, extracted from you and you will never feel this weight on your heart again." But if I do that, do I get him back? Can I have him back for maybe a week, thats all I ask, not too much I dont think, considering I have not had him for almost ten years. I know that in July I am going to come completely unglued, I can feel it already. It is going to be hell, I feel as if I can see the black cloud forming over my head now, all these months prior. What am I going to do? What can I do? NOTHING. It doesnt change, you just put the pain somewhere. There are days I want to tell him to fucking leave my head, to be mad and completely pissed, but I cant, I miss him way too much. There are times when he talks to me, and I think I am going crazy, and I dont know what to do. It is as if he is sitting there. I can smell him, feel him, hear him. Other times, I am so relieved to have him on some level. For some reason, I awoke with this feeling of loss I have not felt in years, why today? Where did it come from? Why now? Dont I get till July to feel this? Cant I just have my life without the pain??? PLEASE!

July 5th, 2006 is going to be a very very hard day for me.

Oh David, my sweet little brother, so much has happened in my life in the past ten years. Have you seen it? Do you really speak to me? Where do I go from here? Can you see? Today for the first time in ten years, I could hear you laughing, I dont know where it came from, but it was beautiful. Do you the dead talk with us the living? I want you back for a day, can you arrange that?

I am sure anyone who reads this thinks I am fucking crazy....well, good, cause I dont care, I just hurt and this is all I can think to do at the moment.


David .... do you haunt Jake? Do you make him think of what he did? Let him know, I want to only know what REALLY happened those last moments of your life. Were you laughing before you saw what was going to happen? Tell him its time, very past due for him to be a man and let me know the truth. 10 years have passed, well, he has had his time to make what is wrong right, now I am on a quest to find out the answers for myself.

David, I miss you. I love you, and I just dont want the pain anymore. But for it too leave, you would have to disappear from my memory and that would kill me, so I will live with the pain.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

a new feeling

Jessica use to say I got "over-excited" about things. Which is true, I did get very excited about things and now, I dont know where that feeling has gone too. I miss it. It is as if someone has come in and taken it from me. I am confused as to what has happened, since I have many things in my life now to be excited about. I am beginning to think, now my life for the first time is starting to make sense and there is are a lot less up and downs, and more constants, therefore, I dont need to be "overexcited". In the past month, I have become more content than I have been, ever. It is an amazing feeling. I sleep very well at night, I get up and I am excited to go to work, I look forward to the weekends and getting to enjoy my own place. This new feeling will take some time to get use too. I have always wanted this, and now I have it, it is hard to adjust to. Could it be, that I am finally getting what I want in my life? Maybe. Has someone been listening to me all those sleepless nights.....if they have, thank you. I am grateful for all that is in my life at the moment.

However, I do want the overexcited part to return, I do miss it!