Wednesday, July 26, 2006

...huuummmm

I come on here and write about my life and lately I have not. Why? Mainly because I sit here and write and write and never get the answer I want. My life, what do I expect to come of it? Magically I hope if I write, someone out there will read it and have the key to unlock the mystery of my life. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What am I doing...those questions I throw around late at night when I am in my apartment and wonder what I am doing next with my life. I feel as if every time I get closer to figuring it out, it is as if I am in a room and I can see the key that will unlock the mystery. Just as I am ready to reach down to pick it up, the lights go out and I left fumbling in the dark, searching. I know the key is there, I saw it. It has too be there. Today I woke up depressed for the first time in a long time. I forgot what it felt like; I have not felt this way in quite some time. Nevertheless, today, it was back, like an old friend. Except it is an old friend I no longer wanted to invite in. I was hoping I had evicted this old friend and the new one, peacefulness had moved in. There is not room enough for both of them.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Smile from inside your soul.....

This is one of those days, where it feels good to be alive for no particular reason, just nice to be here and experience it all. So many times in my life, I never knew what this felt like, and now that I have the chance to expereince it more often than not, I know what living really feels like. When the air smells amazing, the sun is bright and you think of the people in your life, and you smile. Smile from inside your soul. This is the only way to experience it, it only comes once, and it goes by quickly. Take it all in.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

A tribute to the living!

I realized upon hanging up the phone tonight with my brother Chad, that I had talked about David, our brother who passed away 10 yrs ago; however, I had not talked about Chad on here recently.

Chad is my surviving sibling. We had an interesting relationship as we were growing up, since we are only 2 1/2 yrs apart in a small town, it is hard to have separate identities, and friends when there is limited people to be friends with to begin with! However, since David's death we have grown closer and have in the past few years developed a friendship. A large part of my motivation moving to the west coast was Chad. He was living in Portland when I moved here. The year after David died Chad left VT and never returned for anything other than a visit. I was so envious of him on his visits home, he seemed at peace, calm and very happy. He inspired me to make the "leap" and remove myself from my comfort zone. I am so incredibly happy I did, I have never felt more centered in my life than I do now. Granted, I don’t have it all figured out, but I am working on it!!

Chad - Thanks for always being an amazing brother and now a very good friend. I love you!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

My favorite place

This past weekend I went to the beach for two days. I have not been there since the year before last, I didnt go last year, because it was a special place for Jessica and I to go together. This year, I decided there has been enough time passed, and I missed it. There is something incredibly healing about the ocean. You stand there and look out and realize just how large this world is.
I needed some time away and just get perspective on things, and a trip to the ocean always does the trick. It was nice to be away and just read and relax for two days! Here are some pics!















Wednesday, July 05, 2006

David

He was my little brother. He was one of my closest friends.
But for the past 10 years he has been gone. He died and my life felt like it stopped. I didnt think I could take a breath again without it hurting. I never knew one person could hold so much pain inside and continue to live their day to day lives. There have been numerous times in the past 10 yrs where I thought I need to just stop, I cant go on. I did and I have and because of that, I am very thankful now for the past 10 years. I have done some of the most amazing things in my life and I look at today as a sad day, but also a milestone. I can and will continue, life is fun and still so much to do and learn. Yes David is gone, but I realized a long time ago I cant bring him back so all I can do is enjoy it for him! He has, in a way, become my teacher. His death made me see that my life was radically off track, it was the wake up call I needed. David saved my life, he saved me from myself.

Whereever you may be David... I love you forever. I miss you. Keep guiding me thru the tough times and I will keep listening for you. Someday, somewhere I will get to see you again.

Love always - Michael